In the glorious age of Instagrahhm, Tinder and its various other and arguably more respectable incarnations, it has become painfully apparent that 90% of dudes aren’t keeping a tidy rig quite frankly and it's appalling.
I spoke to leading rig expert and Bondi’s ‘superlocal’ Jared (Surname undisclosed because apparently its far too exclusive) about what these unshapely, out of touch gentleman can do to get back in touch with the reality of the social media game. “Has your rig ever been described as an 80 kg packet of premium italian al dente rigatoni pasta?” A tough opening question from the iconic Bondi rig, which I had to think deeply about before replying with an incredibly depressing but simple “No”. Eyeing me up and down in a typical highly judgemental eastern suburbs manner he proceeded to let me know that he could “sort me out” and the conversation that ensued seemed to be a complicated blur of kale, cocaine, durries and I think the term “dirty chai latte” was dropped at least 5 times. Read on for the conclusive how to guide for getting rid of a few late night Mr Crackles and BL Burgers (Shout outs to the Fatties Burger Appreciation Society for the strong tip) that got you deep into “Dad Bod” territory over 2017’s grizzly winter. 1. Love your latté Just warming up the countdown, Jared dives straight into his morning routine. “I’m a born and bred Bondi local and I’ve been going to Gusto and Harry’s for years” he explains as he aggressively and arrogantly stares off with a girl across the road who quite clearly didn’t grow up with enough privilege to confidently strut up Hall St, evident from her sloppy looking Air Max 90’s, hoop earrings and Supré-esque attire. He briefly pauses and mumbles “Fuck off back to Parramatta” under his breath before continuing to describe his morning caffeination routine. “Skim Piccolos are just a myth...If you’re not drinking a double shot dirty skim soy chai latte in 2017 you’ve really missed the mark” he continues. When asked further about what exactly “Skim Soy” is he seems to try to avoid the question before claiming he is neither able to confirm or deny its existence. The Low Carb Local speculates that this could however be an essential ingredient to a tidy summer rig. “The Baristas have just got it all wrong and let's be frank...cow’s milk is made for cow’s. There are no other animals in the animal kingdom that drink another animal's milk so why should we?”. Yeh right... 2. Laps and Caps After a hearty eastern suburbs toned discussion about animal rights and for some reason Leonardo DiCaprio’s new climate change documentary “Before the Flood”, Jared leads me onto his next cracking tip. “Mate all these fitstagram blokes talk about clean eating and get around these complicated gym programs but that's a waste of time, it’s honestly pretty simple.” Having recently embarked on a fitness journey myself, my ears perk up like my dad’s maltese shitsu when it hears the word schmackos and I’m ready, pen and notepad aggressively thrust onto the table, to capture this one permanently in ink. “You’ve just gotta get out in the sunshine and get moving, that part is true” he goes onto explain, “but the key to a strong diet mate is just a couple Warwick Cappers straight down the hatch on a Saturday night.” Throwing a bit of classic aussie rhyming slang, Jared goes on to cleverly explain that if you don’t want the extra calories just don’t eat them, and what better way to do it then getting some of the bitter brown stuff (MDMA) down the gullet. “You’ll increase your chances of picking up about 50 - 60% from experience and whilst doing a few extra energetic laps up around the Beach Road dance floor the extra kegs will basically fall off ya!” Couldn’t have said it better myself Jared, bravo. 3. Swap the Wines for Lines Have you ever had any respect for a girl that uses the saying “Rosé all day”? Yeah well neither have I. The last time I heard that expression was out of the mouth of a 26 year old lawyer fresh off the back of a 3 day all expenses paid bender in Vegas who was cheating on her husband with a rich 60 year old bald jewish guy named Perry. Need I say more. Jared talked me through the situation and put it pretty simply. “What people don’t seem to understand is that wine is made from grapes which are a fruit and contain a shitload of sugar” he exclaims whilst using an exaggerated ethnic looking hand gesture to really build up the importance of this message. He goes on to describe some something that I have heard a million times from every South African jewish mother in the eastern suburbs that when summarised is pretty much Carbs = Sloppy rig. “Railing a few slugs off the dunnies in the back of Ravs will save you heaps in the long run.” Then the big truths started dropping and I had that gong moment where everything made sense. “Heaps of people whinge about how cocaine is so expensive in Australia and tell you about how they only paid $60 a bag when they went chasing their fashion career in New York when they were 22 back in 2011. But truth be told you’re essentially making a huge saving on your Fitness First Platinum bill plus the cost of your personal trainer and the overpriced organic shit you buy from About Life in Double Bay...get a grip.” By this time it’s about 1pm and just about every good sort is strutting up and down the promenade towards the Bucket List getting primed for a big Sunday. It’s hard to keep Jared attention for too long as his eyes rip into pretty much every girl that’s showing any sign of a regular routine of gym, chai lattes and açaí bowls. I thank him for his time and as I walk back to the car, I heed his advice and send a couple of messages to numbers I’ve attempted to delete numerous times but I guess $250 isn’t such a bad deal now right? The Low Carb Local
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June 2018
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