Whilst most eighteen year olds were lying somewhere half naked on a beach last week, Byron Bay, Bali and the Gold Coast had no pull on local Reddam House graduate Sam Goldstein, who had seemingly bigger and better plans.
“There are not many eighteen year olds that can call themselves property tycoons you know, but I’m not your average teenager.” And he’s not wrong. Sam is part of a small, eastern suburbs minority who had an opportunity too easy within their own homestead to turn away. One night last week whilst sitting around the family dinner table in their house in Dover Heights, Sam’s father, Dov Goldstein, formally invited the young entrepreneur to join the family business. Without lifting his finger, Sam became part of what some would describe as an empire, adding a modest fifteen houses and apartments around Sydney to his property portfolio. Watch out Meriton. “Property is all about who you know and I had plenty of experience networking in high school. I have already made some serious business connections, who are also son’s of wealthy jewish business owners, during my studies in year 9 and 10. Why struggle through a university degree if you’re already made right?” “No use hanging out with the schmucks that own the kosher bakery on Bondi Rd right? You can’t build an apartment complex with free bagels” That same weekend Sam’s dad took him to the city to have a new bespoke suit made in celebration of the acquisition and has since had new business cards printed on a quality 16 point cardstock. Later in the month, the Goldstein’s are set to open a new branch of Gold Property in Double Bay in addition to the original branch in Bondi Junction. Gold Property founder, Dov Goldstein says "It’s important that our business expands its reach to foreign and exotic areas like "Maroubra" and the recently discovered "Eastlakes".. and opening up a new office is the first step in that process, so we can strengthen our portfolio and increase our profits.” When asked how he felt about rising property prices in the Sydney market, the founder replied with “We have enough capital to make it work and who could be more qualified to manage these funds, this business and these properties than my newly graduated, eighteen year old son Sam.” Sam will be celebrating his new venture this weekend at Pelicano and has this advice to any other punters looking to tackle the property market. “Hard work is for meshuganas. Just go to a jewish school and knock back a few kiddish wines with the right crowd. It’s that easy.” Too true Sam. Too true. The Low Carb Local
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In one of the most shocking public statistics to hit Australian media since we found out we had a teen binge drinking problem is the fact that Bondi locals have lost 73.4% of their beach to western sydney residents in the past two decades. Increasingly, locals have been forced north onto the grassy knoll as both foreigners and resident ethnic populations occupy more of the beach. It began in the late nineties and escalated in the early noughties as a dramatic increase in the number of 380 and L82 (RIP) buses opened up the precious eastern suburbs beaches to the masses via the already overcrowded Bondi Rd. This was shortly followed by the chance discovery of the sacred Bondi to Bronte walk, which led to the occupation of Tamarama half way through the last decade. Some locals now report that even Bronte, with parking fees that can only be described as daylight robbery, is becoming sprinkled with ethnicity. *gulps and pulls shirt collar* “If you want to wear footy shorts, sport a mullet and obnoxiously throw a ball around whilst causing a ruckus and kicking sand in people’s face, Bondi isn’t the place.” said angry resident Damian Russell. “Bondi is a place to relax, let the kale settle in your stomach and do a little tanning so your white linen pops off on a Saturday night. If you want to be loud and ignorant join the bloody backpackers at Coogee.” Waverley Council assembled an emergency team late last year in response to the developing crisis. During both tactical talks and a community consultation, the council produced the following schematic map of Bondi Beach. It clearly outlines what is now referred to inside the council as the “Southern Front” which has been receding to the north at a rate of roughly 5 metres per year, faster than Hugo Weaving’s hairline since he appeared in The Matrix. The Team Leader, whose name can’t be disclosed due to security concerns, estimates that by 2030, the Grassy Knoll itself will be directly under siege. Some even speculate that Speedos, a long standing successful local cafe, could be replaced in the next fifteen years with a Churrasco or yet another franchise of El Jannah. No finite number of acai bowls will be able to console some Bondi locals if the volatile front moves significantly further north. “The brazilians already control Tamarama and South Bondi...how long until the westies impose themselves on the families and gays and eventually take over the grassy knoll...I don’t know how i’ll cope.” said Bondi local Sally Grey when shown Waverley Council’s schematic during a community meeting.
“We have even considered, as a family, moving across the Spit Bridge to a safer beachside suburb like Manly or Harbord, which I never thought I would say in 100 years. Hell even Melbourne was on the cards.” Waverley Council has made various attempts over the last decade to prevent the problem escalating but so far they have only managed to mildly slow the inevitable. At first they hiked up fees for beachfront parking passes before making parking unaffordable full stop. “They seem to have beaten this problem by packing 4 or even 5 in a car for the 1 hour ride to split costs” said a local councilman. “$60 parking for the day between 5 people is only $12...cheaper than a movie ticket and a full day of entertainment at the beach, which according to the weather man, is usually 2 - 4°C cooler than Parramatta” It is no wonder that the council never approved that train station at Bondi Beach and has also ignored calls for a tram line to be rebuilt from the beach to Bondi Junction as it was in the 1950’s. Bondi residents are holding a midnight vigil this Saturday night at the grassy knoll in a show of solidarity and protest against the changing beach demographic. #PutYourAcaiBowlsoutforBondi The Low Carb Local |
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June 2018
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