After receiving an asterisk instead of an atar at the end of the 2015 HSC season, ex Cranbrook student and self proclaimed eshay, Jackson "Jacked" Smythe, looked to the only job available to him outside of flogging TN’s at Foot Locker. Real Estate. With Sydney’s property market booming, who better to tackle it than Smythe, the type of guy with enough ‘real world’ experience and aggression to know how to get it done. "Got locked up a couple times as a young lad for assault and affray but they prob deserved it ey" said Smythe, referring to an incident in 2014 when a confrontation occurred between himself and another young male at a Rose Bay house party due to the other party simply looking at him. "It's real competitive out there and these other real estate toys are scared of me ey so they’ll back right off my territory." he said, describing his talent and suitability for the real estate game.
Whilst at this point Smythe remains a junior assistant to the property management team, he hopes to move into sales in the near future. "I've just been showing 1 and 2 bedders and that round the bra n the jungo but that's where you gotta start if you want to make some hectic dosh. Anne Freeman, the owner and founder at Freeman Realty says that Smythe has the drive, but if he wants to get into sales he needs to work on his personal appearance and grooming. "What do you mean I've got mad style and taste bra" claimed Smythe when asked about what he thought of his presentation. "I used to be a mad graffer back in the day, you can see 'Jacked' up all over the jungo n the suburbs lad! Of course I've got style. Just cleaned up at David Jones over the weekend too, 25% off Nautica. Esh!" he exclaimed whilst cracking a smile slicker than dri-fit. When asked about maybe wearing a suit he told us “I'll prob have to try sell a few pairs of TN's first but soon I can afford to cop this suit from Tarocash for the odd Saturday inspection." Whilst many other teenagers his age are thinking about which degree they will complete at university or perhaps a taking up a trade, Smythe is convinced that he’s in the right roll and that it’s for the long haul explaining to us “If you wanna make cash you just gotta commit and look as profesh as you can for the job. Let’s be honest, I can make more money on the weekend now than I did selling pingas and plus chicks love it ey.” That's pretty 'eets' Jackson...pretty eets The Low Carb Local
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Moriah mother of two, takes legal action against Maccabi FC for dropping son to the under 9B's11/22/2016 After things went sour in the bedroom last week, married mother of two, Janice Grunsteinburg, vowed to "ruin” Maccabi under 9A’s soccer coach Maury Gold for dropping her son to the ‘B’ team. Gold received a letter from Grunsteinburg’s solicitor last Monday morning threatening legal action should her son not be named in the starting team for the under 9A’s clash against Queens Park FC this Saturday.
The move backlashed when a gaggle of fellow soccer mums from the boys original team, the under 9A's, deciding this was their chance, informed the woman's unsuspecting husband of the affair. When asked why they threw her under the bus, several of the parents described the woman as a "pushy b****" and that they "could deal with one less juicy couture tracksuit distracting their husbands on the sideline." Another regular and aspiring sideline commentator, who asked only to be identified as Moreen, explained that word of the letter had got around Double Bay pretty quickly and the community decided to side with the coach on this one. Gold described the support from the group as “an unprecedented show of solidarity from the 9A's parent group who spend most of their time arguing about botox and whose husband has a bigger yacht.” In the fallout from the incident, the woman has been forcibly removed from the couples quadruple storey, Dover Heights palazzo and has had to return her Range Rover Vogue to the boy’s father following a threatening letter from the father’s solicitor. "I just want to get rid of the wife and the Range Rover to rid myself of the memories " said the 48 yr old man when asked how he felt about the incident. "It could be time to upgrade my BMW 3-Series or buy that Ducati she would never let me have" he added...to the pool of thoughts currently experienced by hundreds of other eastern suburbs men currently experiencing a midlife crisis. Commenting on Gold’s future at the club, a spokesperson from Maccabi FC said that "the coach may be stood down and replaced by another dad who reckons he's an expert at sport, pending a formal investigation of course." The boy will remain in the 9A's, who face 2nd place Queens Park FC this Saturday at their home ground, Queen’s Park, a very convenient distance from the school. The boy’s mother will not be in attendance. Grunsteinburg has more recently been spotted at the weekend in her blue ‘Juicy Couture’ tracksuit, working the Double Bay circuit. It can be confirmed that she has attended venues such as Cosmopolitan, The Golden Sheaf and attempting entry to Casablanca, talking to young men and anyone else that will give her attention. Casablanca has since issued a statement describing “velour tracksuits as unsuitable attire” for the high calibre night club. Bystanders say they witnessed an angry Grunsteinburg walk away after being refused entry to the venue, but let’s be honest, Mrs Sippy isn’t a far walk is it... The Low Carb Local After a long wait involving copious amounts of market research and a 3 month long trial in New York and Los Angeles, Uber Snow is finally coming to Australia and is set to hit Sydney streets this weekend. Whilst similar enterprises exist to have a vice of your choice delivered to your doorstep, Uber Snow is promising a more expedient and reliable service, something foreign to many affluent Sydney punters.
For the better part of ten years we have tasted the convenience of delivery services like Jimmy Brings, Deliveroo, Foodora, MenuLog and more recently Uber Eats, satisfying what seems to be a recent surge in 21st century laziness. But this time, Uber Snow, another limb of an already highly successful franchise is looking to dominate a new and very specific niche in the market. Gone are the days of driving through Kings Cross and buying small plastic packets of scantily clad hookers and inner city kids hanging out on a street corner pushing dope like a real life version of 50 Cent’s “Get Rich or Die Tryin’” and let’s be honest, driving to your dealers house in Maroubra or Waterloo is hardly convenient when you’re doing your best to get around the local talent at the Coogee Pavilion or Bondi’s Bucket List. “I waited over 3 hours for my guy to get me a bag to Surry Hills on Friday night and the stuff was rubbish anyway. It’s bullshit tbh. The boys aren’t happy at all ” explained Jackson, a Bellevue Hill local who we met at the Beresford celebrating his mate Darryn’s birthday with the lads. His face was just full of disappointment. Much like Uber Eats, for no additional fee, an app user can have a couple tickets, bags of blow, charlie (or whatever the kids are calling it these days) delivered straight to their door or even to a shady lane around the corner from a bar, where they’ve just spotted a solid 12 out of 10 in a group of girls out for a 21st that they couldn’t muster up the courage to talk to even after 10 bourbon and cokes. And it’s not just the customers that are loving the service. Nassim from Lakemba will be one of the first drivers for Uber Snow this weekend and described the opportunity as “A pretty sweet deal really brother. I just do a few laps around Bondi in my 2001 Honda Civic, pump some tunes and chat to heaps of hot chicks. I’d be doing that anyway on a Saturday night but now I’m making a bit of dosh out of it...hectic right?” Nassim is not alone in his excitement with over 300 drivers signing up quickly for Uber Snow’s debut weekend which will be localised around Bondi, Double Bay and the City with the prospect of expanding later in the month. When asked about the legality of the service an Uber Snow spokesperson commented that they would be using the regular Uber business model to get the service off the ground and will be paying any fines and legal fees encountered by their drivers whilst doing their delivery rounds. “When Uber first started in Australia the taxi industry was up in arms but it didn’t take long before the government realised that some competition was healthy and laws were changed state by state” said the spokesman in an exclusive interview. “We paid the fees that our drivers encountered to keep the growth of the business steady and look at where we are now. We’re hoping to see the same sort of thing happen with Uber Snow.” So how can you take advantage of all of this? Well for those that are keen for some “off piste” activities this weekend, orders open at midday Friday AEST, just in time for those long Friday “business lunches” and will continue through to midnight on Sunday. The Uber Snow app is now available for download via the Apple App Store or Google Play. Happy Skiing! BREAKING NEWS: Trump wins election. Partying panic ensues as cocaine prices go through the roof11/9/2016 In what seems to be THE MOST controversial event of 2016, Trump’s victory has left plenty of ignorant Australian punters to speculate about how their lives, especially those in the ‘Bondi Bubble’ will be affected.
As predicted by many, the Australian Cocaine Futures market has toppled 756 points in the wake of the election result, with both international traffickers and local dealers alike falling into a vortex of panic and uncertainty regarding the supply of their bread and butter. “Prices are just skyrocketing...I just paid $520 for a bag at CBD hotel whilst I watched the election after work. It was worth it though with all the tension and that.” says 28 yr old, North Bondi based lawyer Jason. “I just don’t know how much longer clubs like Pelicano and Casablanca are going to survive if they keep this up.” Jason then goes into a long and passionate rant about how first Barry O’Farrell and Mike Baird “fucked the Sydney night life” with the lockout laws, next bringing Trump to stand trial for being “...just another fucking politician adding to Sydney’s partying problem.” Jason seemed far too emotional to continue the interview and covered a teary face whilst getting into an Uber Black which quickly sped off around the corner. Long time Ibrahim family associate and middleman Ali, who preferred to have his surname withheld for security reasons, was shocked with the election result, however remains optimistic about business. “Cocaine is a product of South America and routinely finds its way into the USA through Mexico and over the border. With a huge fuck off wall in place making that a difficult job, the only logical option for these nachos loving narcos is to expand their operation into other parts of the world.” Ali goes on to explain that this could potentially increase supply and drop prices as cartels redirect resources to key international markets including Sydney’s eastern suburbs. “Even though he never made it to Australia, even Pablo fucking Escobar had heard of Double Bay!” Ali exclaims. “At the end of the day you want to know where a good chunk of your money is coming from right?” As Trump takes to the lectern to make his inaugural speech, we can only try to stay strong as we slip into our Peter Alexander pyjamas, curl up in our Sheridan bed sheets and contemplate the fact that our regular weekend skiing adventures might now be confined to the slush left on Friday Flats in Thredbo at the end of most likely another disappointing snow season. The Low Carb Local In the glorious age of Instagrahhm, Tinder and its various other and arguably more respectable incarnations, it has become painfully apparent that 90% of dudes aren’t keeping a tidy rig quite frankly and it's appalling.
I spoke to leading rig expert and Bondi’s ‘superlocal’ Jono (Surname undisclosed because apparently its far too exclusive) about what these unshapely, out of touch gentleman can do to get back in touch with the reality of the social media game. “Has your rig ever been described as an 80 kg packet of premium italian al dente rigatoni pasta?” A tough opening question from the iconic Bondi rig, which I had to think deeply about before replying with an incredibly depressing but simple “No”. Eyeing me up and down in a typical highly judgemental eastern suburbs manner he proceeded to let me know that he could “sort me out” and the conversation that ensued seemed to be a complicated blur of kale, cocaine, durries and I think the term “dirty chai latte” was dropped at least 5 times. Read on for the conclusive how to guide for getting rid of a few late night Mr Crackles and BL Burgers (Shout outs to the Fatties Burger Appreciation Society for the strong tip) that got you deep into “Dad Bod” territory over 2016’s grizzly winter. 1. Love your latté Just warming up the countdown, Jono dives straight into his morning routine. “I’m a born and bred Bondi local and I’ve been going to Gusto and Harry’s for years” he explains as he aggressively and arrogantly stares off with a girl across the road who quite clearly didn’t grow up with enough privilege to confidently strut up Hall St, evident from her sloppy looking Air Max 90’s, hoop earrings and Supré-esque attire. He briefly pauses and mumbles “Fuck off back to Parramatta” under his breath before continuing to describe his morning caffeination routine. “Skim Piccolos are just a myth...If you’re not drinking a double shot dirty skim soy chai latte in 2016 you’ve really missed the mark” he continues. When asked further about what exactly “Skim Soy” is he seems to try to avoid the question before claiming he is neither able to confirm or deny its existence. The Low Carb Local speculates that this could however be an essential ingredient to a tidy summer rig. “The Baristas have just got it all wrong and let's be frank...cow’s milk is made for cow’s. There are no other animals in the animal kingdom that drink another animal's milk so why should we?”. Yeh right... 2. Laps and Caps After a hearty eastern suburbs toned discussion about animal rights and for some reason Leonardo DiCaprio’s new climate change documentary “Before the Flood”, Jono leads me onto his next cracking tip. “Mate all these fitstagram blokes talk about clean eating and get around these complicated gym programs but that's a waste of time, it’s honestly pretty simple.” Having recently embarked on a fitness journey myself, my ears perk up like my dad’s maltese shitsu when it hears the word schmackos and I’m ready, pen and notepad aggressively thrust onto the table, to capture this one permanently in ink. “You’ve just gotta get out in the sunshine and get moving, that part is true” he goes onto explain, “but the key to a strong diet mate is just a couple Warwick Cappers straight down the hatch on a Saturday night.” Throwing a bit of classic aussie rhyming slang, Jono goes on to cleverly explain that if you don’t want the extra calories just don’t eat them, and what better way to do it then getting some of the bitter brown stuff (MDMA) down the gullet. “You’ll increase your chances of picking up about 50 - 60% from experience and whilst doing a few extra energetic laps up around the Beach Road dance floor the extra kegs will basically fall off ya!” Couldn’t have said it better myself Jono, bravo. 3. Swap the Wines for Lines Have you ever had any respect for a girl that uses the saying “Rosé all day”? Yeah well neither have I. The last time I heard that expression was out of the mouth of a 26 year old lawyer fresh off the back of a 3 day all expenses paid bender in Vegas who was cheating on her husband with a rich 60 year old bald jewish guy named Perry. Need I say more. Jono talked me through the situation and put it pretty simply. “What people don’t seem to understand is that wine is made from grapes which are a fruit and contain a shitload of sugar” he exclaims whilst using an exaggerated ethnic looking hand gesture to really build up the importance of this message. He goes on to describe some something that I have heard a million times from every South African jewish mother in the eastern suburbs that when summarised is pretty much Carbs = Sloppy rig. “Railing a few slugs off the dunnies in the back of Ravs will save you heaps in the long run.” Then the big truths started dropping and I had that gong moment where everything made sense. “Heaps of people whinge about how cocaine is so expensive in Australia and tell you about how they only paid $60 a bag when they went chasing their fashion career in New York when they were 22 back in 2011. But truth be told you’re essentially making a huge saving on your Fitness First Platinum bill plus the cost of your personal trainer and the overpriced organic shit you buy from About Life in Double Bay...get a grip.” By this time it’s about 1pm and just about every good sort is strutting up and down the promenade towards the Bucket List getting primed for a big Sunday. It’s hard to keep Jono’s attention for too long as his eyes rip into pretty much every girl that’s showing any sign of a regular routine of gym, chai lattes and açaí bowls. I thank him for his time and as I walk back to the car, I heed his advice and send a couple of messages to numbers I’ve attempted to delete numerous times but I guess $250 isn’t such a bad deal now right? The Low Carb Local |
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June 2018
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