In one of the most shocking public statistics to hit Australian media since we found out we had a teen binge drinking problem is the fact that Bondi locals have lost 73.4% of their beach to western sydney residents in the past two decades. Increasingly, locals have been forced north onto the grassy knoll as both foreigners and resident ethnic populations occupy more of the beach. It began in the late nineties and escalated in the early noughties as a dramatic increase in the number of 380 and L82 (RIP) buses opened up the precious eastern suburbs beaches to the masses via the already overcrowded Bondi Rd. This was shortly followed by the chance discovery of the sacred Bondi to Bronte walk, which led to the occupation of Tamarama half way through the last decade. Some locals now report that even Bronte, with parking fees that can only be described as daylight robbery, is becoming sprinkled with ethnicity. *gulps and pulls shirt collar* “If you want to wear footy shorts, sport a mullet and obnoxiously throw a ball around whilst causing a ruckus and kicking sand in people’s face, Bondi isn’t the place.” said angry resident Damian Russell. “Bondi is a place to relax, let the kale settle in your stomach and do a little tanning so your white linen pops off on a Saturday night. If you want to be loud and ignorant join the bloody backpackers at Coogee.” Waverley Council assembled an emergency team late last year in response to the developing crisis. During both tactical talks and a community consultation, the council produced the following schematic map of Bondi Beach. It clearly outlines what is now referred to inside the council as the “Southern Front” which has been receding to the north at a rate of roughly 5 metres per year, faster than Hugo Weaving’s hairline since he appeared in The Matrix. The Team Leader, whose name can’t be disclosed due to security concerns, estimates that by 2030, the Grassy Knoll itself will be directly under siege. Some even speculate that Speedos, a long standing successful local cafe, could be replaced in the next fifteen years with a Churrasco or yet another franchise of El Jannah. No finite number of acai bowls will be able to console some Bondi locals if the volatile front moves significantly further north. “The brazilians already control Tamarama and South Bondi...how long until the westies impose themselves on the families and gays and eventually take over the grassy knoll...I don’t know how i’ll cope.” said Bondi local Sally Grey when shown Waverley Council’s schematic during a community meeting.
“We have even considered, as a family, moving across the Spit Bridge to a safer beachside suburb like Manly or Harbord, which I never thought I would say in 100 years. Hell even Melbourne was on the cards.” Waverley Council has made various attempts over the last decade to prevent the problem escalating but so far they have only managed to mildly slow the inevitable. At first they hiked up fees for beachfront parking passes before making parking unaffordable full stop. “They seem to have beaten this problem by packing 4 or even 5 in a car for the 1 hour ride to split costs” said a local councilman. “$60 parking for the day between 5 people is only $12...cheaper than a movie ticket and a full day of entertainment at the beach, which according to the weather man, is usually 2 - 4°C cooler than Parramatta” It is no wonder that the council never approved that train station at Bondi Beach and has also ignored calls for a tram line to be rebuilt from the beach to Bondi Junction as it was in the 1950’s. Bondi residents are holding a midnight vigil this Saturday night at the grassy knoll in a show of solidarity and protest against the changing beach demographic. #PutYourAcaiBowlsoutforBondi The Low Carb Local
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AboutBreaking news from the heart of Sydney's exclusive Eastern Suburbs Archives
June 2018
Categories |