BREAKING NEWS: Trump wins election. Partying panic ensues as cocaine prices go through the roof11/9/2016 In what seems to be THE MOST controversial event of 2016, Trump’s victory has left plenty of ignorant Australian punters to speculate about how their lives, especially those in the ‘Bondi Bubble’ will be affected.
As predicted by many, the Australian Cocaine Futures market has toppled 756 points in the wake of the election result, with both international traffickers and local dealers alike falling into a vortex of panic and uncertainty regarding the supply of their bread and butter. “Prices are just skyrocketing...I just paid $520 for a bag at CBD hotel whilst I watched the election after work. It was worth it though with all the tension and that.” says 28 yr old, North Bondi based lawyer Jason. “I just don’t know how much longer clubs like Pelicano and Casablanca are going to survive if they keep this up.” Jason then goes into a long and passionate rant about how first Barry O’Farrell and Mike Baird “fucked the Sydney night life” with the lockout laws, next bringing Trump to stand trial for being “...just another fucking politician adding to Sydney’s partying problem.” Jason seemed far too emotional to continue the interview and covered a teary face whilst getting into an Uber Black which quickly sped off around the corner. Long time Ibrahim family associate and middleman Ali, who preferred to have his surname withheld for security reasons, was shocked with the election result, however remains optimistic about business. “Cocaine is a product of South America and routinely finds its way into the USA through Mexico and over the border. With a huge fuck off wall in place making that a difficult job, the only logical option for these nachos loving narcos is to expand their operation into other parts of the world.” Ali goes on to explain that this could potentially increase supply and drop prices as cartels redirect resources to key international markets including Sydney’s eastern suburbs. “Even though he never made it to Australia, even Pablo fucking Escobar had heard of Double Bay!” Ali exclaims. “At the end of the day you want to know where a good chunk of your money is coming from right?” As Trump takes to the lectern to make his inaugural speech, we can only try to stay strong as we slip into our Peter Alexander pyjamas, curl up in our Sheridan bed sheets and contemplate the fact that our regular weekend skiing adventures might now be confined to the slush left on Friday Flats in Thredbo at the end of most likely another disappointing snow season. The Low Carb Local
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