Macquarie Dictionary replaces ’No’ with ‘Yass Queen’ after being bullied by leftist, fabulous thugs11/15/2017 Yesterday at 10am, the Australian Bureau of Statistics announced the results of the ‘Marriage Equality Survey’ with an overwhelming majority of 62% voting in favour. The rhetoric around marriage equality has changed rapidly over the last 10 years and this vote represents a key milestone in social change in Australia.
Using the momentum from a successful campaign for social equality, an army of of rainbow shirt wearing leftist, extremist (borderline communist?) bullies has rolled through the doors of Macquarie Dictionary’s Sydney office with a long list of demands including the replacement of the word ‘No’ with ‘Yass Queen’. “Our language needs to reflect contemporary societal values and as of yesterday the word ‘No’ is officially offensive and uttered only by a minority and we all know what happens to them in this country.” said a man draped in a rainbow flag. A Low Carb Local reporter was sent to the scene but was quickly escorted out of the area by the aggressive mob who quickly produced an assortment of leather straps and buckles to contain him. He was woke up several hours later at a party in Prince Alfred Park and refused to comment on events in between but maintained a large grin. The Low Carb Local
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Jaglika Slavovic, a 66 yr old Serbian immigrant, has expressed her concerns tonight at a family dinner that her oldest grandson, Milos, is past his prime and may never be married.
Her revelation comes as SBS afternoon news delivered in Serbian reveal 62% of the nation voted ‘yes’ on marriage equality. Worried about the shame associated with unmarried grandchildren, highly stigmatised in the Serbian community, Slavovic has barricaded herself inside her kitchen and is said to be mindlessly folding a large quantity of cabbage rolls and packaging them in several large 5L used yoghurt tubs. “She does this sometimes when she’s worried and anxious” said son Dragan when asked about the escalating situation. Cries of “He too old. He never find da husband!” have been heard echoing from the kitchen and have also caught the attention of the neighbourhood dogs who have joined in with some howling. "Vat vill all da friends and family say!" Milos, the grandson in question has revealed to the Low Carb Local that only yesterday her disappointment in having a gay grandchild was palpable. The story continues to unfold… The Low Carb Local After a 3 week Contiki tour to South America over the summer, a 2nd year Sydney University girl, Aleisha Davis now has an anecdote for every conversation and isn’t afraid to use it.
“OMG this is almost as bad as that time we got stuck on the Inca Trail in the rain and we had run ahead of the porters with all our stuff…” Davis was overheard saying to a friend during the storms that ripped through Sydney last weekend. Her South American trip took her through several countries including Ecuador, Peru, Brazil and Colombia where she became an expert on local culture and customs, something that she finds irresistible to not share with everyone she speaks to on a daily basis. “Did you know that eating quinoa actually hurts local farmers in Ecuador because of inflation?” But her knowledge also extends well into the weekend where she frequently imposes herself on friends looking to purchase or consume cocaine flaunting her expertise on the matter after spending three days in Bogota, Colombia and even going on a cocaine tour inside the prison where the book ‘Marching Powder’ was written. Davis has already planned her trip back for this coming January claiming “I just want to spend a year finding myself in Argentina” where she is likely to pick up a few new but still very South American stories. The Low Carb Local High-chic. Glamouratti. Social elite. Fetch.
These are some of the words associated with the prestigious and most renowned bars, clubs and pubs in Sydney. They of course are the venues owned by hospitality giant Merivale. After Merivale’s recent purchase of humble Marrickville venue the Vic on the Park Hotel, the Low Carb Local went down to see how the recent refurbishment had changed this once simple pub - now named “Ärsch”. The line stretches around the street. The clientele in the line are a sordid mix of hipster and gender non-binary, with a sexually ambiguous aesthetic that yells “I am confused about who I want to rub genitals with so I’ll pretend I have none”. The bouncers are heinous euro-trash dressed exclusively in leather. From the street you can hear the euphoric thrum of balearic trance music. Peering through the windows reveals endless foam, flashing blue and pink lights and cocktails in explicitly phallic glasses served by a man in a gimp suit. Reaching the front after 3 hours, the bouncers recoil at our presence, yelling: "Vat? You vish to come in!? You cannot come in heir looking like zat!" "Begone viz you scum, ziz iz naht some verkers klub for you to make your kleine spätzel. Unkultured dümkopf. Auf geht!" Although the Local haven’t actually been inside this exciting and exclusive venue, we are fairly certain that it’s still better than that wanky shit hole The Coogee Pav. The Low Carb Local Rob Matthews has taken matters into his own hands this week after doing a single lap of the level he entered on and still not finding a spot.
“Parking these days is just such a nightmare, every man and his dog is here at every waking hour!” claimed Matthews as he walked around to the boot of his car. Matthews emerged from the boot with a bucket of Dulux Titanium white and a 150mm brush and immediately began the ritual of painting two lines parallel to either side of his car. According to his wife he has been doing this for about 3 weeks now and absolutely refuses to go down a level to search for parking. “You’re dreaming if you think I’m going down the ramp to the green level.” Westfield carparks are notorious for being difficult in the parking department and Bondi Junction is often described as the worst, especially on the weekend when the breath taking views at beaches like Bondi and Bronte are no match for the pleasure found by a 35 yr old BMW X5 driving soccer mum buying a new dress from Zimmerman for her boozy Sunday morning brunch. The Low Carb Local ex Private school bloke with no real mates reckons he can get a ‘bag’ as party begins to die down11/11/2017 A Cranbrook old boy at the bottom of the social hierarchy has offered up his dealers services several times as a house party begins to die down in the early hours of Sunday morning.
Blake Perry mentioned “I reckon I can get on” about 14 times before anyone took notice of him. “My guy’s shit is real good!” exclaimed Perry as he continued to search for attention in the room full of predominantly alpha males who had gone through at least slab between two and a few bottles of vodka by this time in the night. “To Perry’s credit the deal actually did come off and his guy rolled up within about half an hour” said party alpha male Dean Beecher. Perry, who had very few mates in high school, and to the surprise of many, has gathered some in-depth knowledge about cocaine and was overheard describing to several other party goers how to tell if its “the good shit” before launching into one of three anecdotes about his 2 week trip to South America. “It just kind of flakes off. That’s just how you know.” interjected Perry again in a bid to demonstrate any sort of value at this social function. “I can get more if you want! But its just not the same as it was in Colombia” The Low Carb Local Dover Heights resident South African immigrant “just can’t even” after house keeper quits11/11/2017 It’s been a tough week for Janine Bernstein after her house keeper of 5 years quit unexpectedly last Friday. The wealthy South African has been living in Australia for the last 25 years and for the first time in her life has been without help around the house.
“I just can’t even!” Bernstein was overheard saying after facing the dilemma of what to do with her dirty washing and sink full of dishes after hosting a lavish dinner party on Friday night. Several of her friends have offered their condolences but were unwilling to give up their own 'help' this week to help for fear of also being put in such an unfortunate position. “Shame ma Janine is in such a pickle” said Jenny Goldberg, a long time family friend who’s family immigrated from Johannesburg with the Bernstein family in the early 90’s. “I just can’t even imagine what a difficult time she must be going through.” With Australian immigration cracking down on illegals, the Bernstein family has found it very difficult to find the sort of help they are looking for, at the rock bottom prices and long hours they expect, even after asking all of their friends’ help and their families. The South African embassy is doing their best to provide support but has suggested in the meanwhile using internet outsourcing website Airtasker or controversially going to Woolworths and purchasing some detergent, rubber gloves and a brush. The Low Carb Local As the Australian parliament is turned inside out in a bid to oust any dual nationals, One Nation leader Pauline Hanson’s heritage has been placed in the spotlight. Talks with British Home Office reveal she may indeed hold British Citizenship and in order to settle the debate Hanson has been ordered to take a DNA test. The controversial senator has this week received her results from Ancestry.com and it has been confirmed that she has no British blood but rather represents a rare genetic population that is 110% white, Australian and uncultured. A recent 2012 study found that only 1 in 73,000 Australians share in this gene pool and is most likely descended from the first white Australians who appeared out of thin air some time in the 1700’s in an event completely separate to the landing of Captain Cook. These people claim an incredibly strong connection to Australia and have very few, if any documented cultural practices and traditions. “I was born with a Four n Twenty in my mouth, what can I say” replied Hanson when asked about the current situation involving politicians being outed as dual nationals. “All of these pommy pricks can fuck right off, especially Malcom Roberts the bloody import” The Low Carb Local A study by the the National Parks and Wildlife Service in collaboration with the University of New South Wales has found that the local lyrebird population couldn’t be more excited about the Melbourne Cup and with good reason.
Last year over 300 wild lyrebirds were spotted strutting their stuff around Sydney bushland, sporting big brand fascinators from the likes of Mimco and Max Alexander. And it is fact the males that are more enthusiastic about getting a bit dressed up the study has found. Males with larger and more elaborate fascinators worn on the head or used to accessorise the nest were found to have produced more offspring in the off season and that has resulted in a far larger population of fashion forward birds in the lead up to the 2017 Melbourne Cup race. “A key factor in the reproductive behaviours of the species is their ability to look glamorous and in the eastern suburbs, lost fascinators have given some males that extra edge.” said Greg Livesy of the National Parks and Wildlife Service. “You know what they say..the bigger the fascinator…” Competition amongst the species is already fierce with stray fascinators already making their way into Centennial Parklands after the big meet on Cox Plate day and is only going to get worse experts say. Punters are advised to make sure their fascinators are tightly secured to the head as the birds have significantly increased in numbers, fashion taste and confidence. The Low Carb Local Local racing enthusiast and regular punter, Andrew Jones, has studied the summary page in the Sydney Morning Herald in depth on his way to work, in the hope of imparting his “extensive” race knowledge on his colleagues before the Melbourne Cup.
“Mate I would be throwing at least $100 each way on Humidor did you see him run in the Cox Plate last week…really stretched Winx” Jones was overheard saying to a colleague at the desk next to him who politely nodded before continuing with what they were doing prior to being interrupted. Jones has literally been “holding his horses” all week in the lead up to the Melbourne Cup and couldn’t appear more excited. His eclectic, large print houndstooth suit is a bigger statement than previous years. “He’s just been aimlessly walking around the office all week with the TAB form in the hope that someone will notice I think” said coworker Alana. “He organises the sweep every year and always makes a big deal about it at the staff meeting the week before. I guess it’s the one day he thinks people really notice him.” Only time will tell if this lucky punter will get up or get noticed. Stay tuned. The Low Carb Local |
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June 2018
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