Local Rugby player reckons 'Elephant March' definitely isn't gay after Mad Monday celebrations11/27/2017
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A local man has met with unfortunate circumstances this week as he felt the urge to drop the kids off at the pool. After he had dropped his pants and gotten comfortable on the john, Warren Steed of North Bondi noticed that his phone was dead.
“I had just got home from work and I knew that I was facing a good 10-15 minutes in there. Boredom was setting in quickly.” Gone are the days of the magazine stack in the basket on the right hand side of the dunny or a rolled up newspaper ready to go. Steed was forced to think on his feet and thats just what he did. “I usually just scroll through Facebook or even a paper would’ve been ideal but nobody leaves those anymore. Thats when a bottle of Garnier Fructis caught my eye and I knew I was onto something” “Wtf is Sodium Laureth Sulfate…I noticed that was on the Palmolive soap as well” Before he knew it Steed had done his duty in the home office and was ready to go. “Unbelievable how quickly the time went really.” The Low Carb Local With rumours rife that the infamous simulated dog rooter Mitchell Pearce is set to cross the Spit Bridge and join Manly in 2018, the local dog population is visibly nervous.
In 2016, footage emerged of Pearce simulating a sex act with a dog in a Bondi apartment which quickly caught the attention of the media with Channel 9 who payed $20,000 for the footage. Since then he has joined the ranks of other revered animal lovers Joel Monaghan and organisation PETA. We sent a reporter to a local Manly dog park to conduct an investigation into local opinion. When shown a photograph of Pearce, a local poodle tucked her tail in between her legs and swiftly walked away. We later caught up with the same poodle who claimed "Mitchell Pearce is worse than Harvey Weinstein and has no place on the northern beaches" "I dont know what a poodle will do for a couple schmackos in Bondi but its just not on" However, a couple of Bull Mastiffs were overheard saying they would put out for Pearce if it meant a Premiership for Manly. "A win is a win mate, theres a lot of different paths on the road to success" With Cooper Cronk already signed by the Roosters it is only a matter of time before Pearce is signed by the club and placed back on the leash to play another day. In the glorious age of Instagrahhm, Tinder and its various other and arguably more respectable incarnations, it has become painfully apparent that 90% of dudes aren’t keeping a tidy rig quite frankly and it's appalling.
I spoke to leading rig expert and Bondi’s ‘superlocal’ Jared (Surname undisclosed because apparently its far too exclusive) about what these unshapely, out of touch gentleman can do to get back in touch with the reality of the social media game. “Has your rig ever been described as an 80 kg packet of premium italian al dente rigatoni pasta?” A tough opening question from the iconic Bondi rig, which I had to think deeply about before replying with an incredibly depressing but simple “No”. Eyeing me up and down in a typical highly judgemental eastern suburbs manner he proceeded to let me know that he could “sort me out” and the conversation that ensued seemed to be a complicated blur of kale, cocaine, durries and I think the term “dirty chai latte” was dropped at least 5 times. Read on for the conclusive how to guide for getting rid of a few late night Mr Crackles and BL Burgers (Shout outs to the Fatties Burger Appreciation Society for the strong tip) that got you deep into “Dad Bod” territory over 2017’s grizzly winter. 1. Love your latté Just warming up the countdown, Jared dives straight into his morning routine. “I’m a born and bred Bondi local and I’ve been going to Gusto and Harry’s for years” he explains as he aggressively and arrogantly stares off with a girl across the road who quite clearly didn’t grow up with enough privilege to confidently strut up Hall St, evident from her sloppy looking Air Max 90’s, hoop earrings and Supré-esque attire. He briefly pauses and mumbles “Fuck off back to Parramatta” under his breath before continuing to describe his morning caffeination routine. “Skim Piccolos are just a myth...If you’re not drinking a double shot dirty skim soy chai latte in 2017 you’ve really missed the mark” he continues. When asked further about what exactly “Skim Soy” is he seems to try to avoid the question before claiming he is neither able to confirm or deny its existence. The Low Carb Local speculates that this could however be an essential ingredient to a tidy summer rig. “The Baristas have just got it all wrong and let's be frank...cow’s milk is made for cow’s. There are no other animals in the animal kingdom that drink another animal's milk so why should we?”. Yeh right... 2. Laps and Caps After a hearty eastern suburbs toned discussion about animal rights and for some reason Leonardo DiCaprio’s new climate change documentary “Before the Flood”, Jared leads me onto his next cracking tip. “Mate all these fitstagram blokes talk about clean eating and get around these complicated gym programs but that's a waste of time, it’s honestly pretty simple.” Having recently embarked on a fitness journey myself, my ears perk up like my dad’s maltese shitsu when it hears the word schmackos and I’m ready, pen and notepad aggressively thrust onto the table, to capture this one permanently in ink. “You’ve just gotta get out in the sunshine and get moving, that part is true” he goes onto explain, “but the key to a strong diet mate is just a couple Warwick Cappers straight down the hatch on a Saturday night.” Throwing a bit of classic aussie rhyming slang, Jared goes on to cleverly explain that if you don’t want the extra calories just don’t eat them, and what better way to do it then getting some of the bitter brown stuff (MDMA) down the gullet. “You’ll increase your chances of picking up about 50 - 60% from experience and whilst doing a few extra energetic laps up around the Beach Road dance floor the extra kegs will basically fall off ya!” Couldn’t have said it better myself Jared, bravo. 3. Swap the Wines for Lines Have you ever had any respect for a girl that uses the saying “Rosé all day”? Yeah well neither have I. The last time I heard that expression was out of the mouth of a 26 year old lawyer fresh off the back of a 3 day all expenses paid bender in Vegas who was cheating on her husband with a rich 60 year old bald jewish guy named Perry. Need I say more. Jared talked me through the situation and put it pretty simply. “What people don’t seem to understand is that wine is made from grapes which are a fruit and contain a shitload of sugar” he exclaims whilst using an exaggerated ethnic looking hand gesture to really build up the importance of this message. He goes on to describe some something that I have heard a million times from every South African jewish mother in the eastern suburbs that when summarised is pretty much Carbs = Sloppy rig. “Railing a few slugs off the dunnies in the back of Ravs will save you heaps in the long run.” Then the big truths started dropping and I had that gong moment where everything made sense. “Heaps of people whinge about how cocaine is so expensive in Australia and tell you about how they only paid $60 a bag when they went chasing their fashion career in New York when they were 22 back in 2011. But truth be told you’re essentially making a huge saving on your Fitness First Platinum bill plus the cost of your personal trainer and the overpriced organic shit you buy from About Life in Double Bay...get a grip.” By this time it’s about 1pm and just about every good sort is strutting up and down the promenade towards the Bucket List getting primed for a big Sunday. It’s hard to keep Jared attention for too long as his eyes rip into pretty much every girl that’s showing any sign of a regular routine of gym, chai lattes and açaí bowls. I thank him for his time and as I walk back to the car, I heed his advice and send a couple of messages to numbers I’ve attempted to delete numerous times but I guess $250 isn’t such a bad deal now right? The Low Carb Local Several thousand teenagers are expected to descend on the Gold Coast this and next week in the annual STD swap meet called ‘Schoolies’ and the key to picking up this year could just be having a little bit extra mobile data.
However a local underage man has this week downloaded not only Tinder but also Bumble and Happn in attempt to get some at Schoolies 2017. Arriving at their Gold Coast accomodation, Sam Turner had maxed out with families mobile data within 30 minutes with a poor return of only 5 average matches. The 17 yr old now lives in fear of repercussions from his father back in Sydney, who can no longer access the Sydney Morning Herald on his mobile on his commute to work due to his son’s selfish actions and is visibly furious. “Tinder fucking schminder. How about he grows a pair and actually speaks to em.” “Back in my day we had to call the house and speak to their dad first on the phone first before we could even talk to them. Let alone get a date. The kids these days are fucking soft” said Allan Turner in an interview with the Low Carb Local this morning. “They will never know the fear and feel the trembling in the fingers when you had to pick up the landline.” The Low Carb Local Local millennial Tinder/Bumble user with no banter speaks exclusively through emojis and gifs11/18/2017 Increasingly popular amongst the kids these days are dating apps like Tinder, Bumble and Happn which match two people by virtue of their physical appearance and open up a conversation within the app to get them on the way. Here at the Low Carb Local we aren’t quite sure what happened to the literacy and communication standards of yesteryear, but it seems to be non existent with school and family across the country failing their offspring when it comes to communicating with the opposite sex. Bumble is a dating app but unlike Tinder, the girl always has to initiate conversation, which for a few young millennial battlers is not part of their social skill set. Since becoming recently single, Holly Summers, a 24 yr old stunner from Bondi, has used Bumble as a way to meet new guys but is yet to catch on to the nuances of the english language in its written form. “I just have no real banter and don’t know what to say to the fellas” said Summers, “Tinder is just too complicated. What if the guy doesn’t talk first? What do I say?” *💊 Pops xanax 💊* Summers now talks exclusively through the use of emojis and gifs, which allows her to awkwardly communicate suggestively with random males without the need to ever use her intellect, social skills or display anything beyond a basic sense of humour. “It was the perfect solution! I mean I’m pretty but like…you know…yeh” Well no Holly we don’t really know what you mean…🤷♂️ 🤷♂️ 🤷♂️ The Low Carb Local Same local Serbian baba worried if men marry men, who’s going to marry her 24 yr old granddaughter11/17/2017 Since last weeks ‘Yes’ vote took off around Australia with thousands coming out to celebrate the victory in the Marriage Equality debate, local Serbian baba, Jaglika Slavovic has experienced a rollercoaster of emotions including a 24 hr straight period of making cabbage rolls whilst barricaded in a room by herself.
At first she was worried that her gay grandson was too old to find a husband but now she is even more worried about her granddaughter. “My granddaughter dahling she is 24 already old” “If a da gay men are marrying da men who marry my granddaughter ah? Less a men for her to choosing” Slavovic has not left the couch and TV in 72 hours, watching, waiting and hoping that the News in Serbian on SBS (broadcast roughly every two days at 2pm) will reveal something about the future of gay marriage and possibly some hope for her damned, unmarried, 24 yr old granddaughter. Only time will tell. The Low Carb Local |
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